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41-Year-Old Woman Can't Keep 23-Year-Old Man

Guy Won't Tell His Parents About Relationship

POSTED: Tuesday, June 30, 2009
UPDATED: 5:26 pm EDT June 30, 2009

DoubleTake advice column
    Dear DoubleTake,

    I'm 41, a divorced mom, a professional. I am independent, self-reliant and get along fine with my ex and his wife. I work hard and avoid drama.

    I've been seeing a guy for nearly a year and a half. He has met my kids, but only a few times. It was G-rated -- kids movies and Wii. No sleepovers when the kids are home. We're really good friends with the added bonus of being passionate and wildly attracted to each other.

    Things go great for a couple of months and, although we don't fight, one of us decides to take a break. We've both done it. Then a few weeks later we miss each other and start seeing each other again until the whole cycle repeats. Here is why: He's 23 years old.

    He tells me how he appreciates me so much more than girls his age and all of his friends, colleagues and even his boss know about me. My family knows.

    But he doesn't consider this a real relationship because he doesn't want his family to know. They are extremely conservative and wouldn't approve.

    I honestly believe he loves me, but the longer we go on, the more painful a presumed end becomes. I think it could be a real relationship, but he doesn't want to give it a chance because of his parents. It's hard to be in limbo, and I don't know what position to take. Should I just leave well enough alone and let it run its course?

BETTY SAYS:

Ageism is such a drag. Your guy is making it sound like his parents will be blamed for the eventual downfall of this relationship, when in reality he just has commitment problems. Not introducing you to his family because of who you are is insulting.

I think he is in this for the companionship. It's up to you whether you want to pursue the attraction on a casual level, or end it because it will never fully blossom into a true relationship.

The on-and-off cycle will keep going until one of you meets someone else. Decide if you want to keep it breezy with the 23-year-old, or if a man wanting long-term commitment is more your style.

And even if the attraction fizzles out, you can still remain friends with your guy.

EDDIE SAYS:

Trying not to say "the R word" doesn't make this not a real relationship. It just makes it one with a very small chance of becoming something with a wedding at the end of it.

It sounds like that is something you want, even though you probably realize there would be complications getting hitched to someone that much younger. People can make it work, it just adds another layer of issues to contemplate.

So, it might be best for you to decide what you really need moving forward. What can you accept to stay with things? Maybe he needs to say that he wants to marry you someday. Maybe he needs to introduce you to his parents (who may just be a convenient excuse anyhow). Maybe you need to make a pact that if you ever break up again, that will really, truly be the end of it.

Regardless, you -- just you, not you and he -- need to think about a minimum that you can tolerate. Talk with him, see if he can deal with those conditions. If he can, great. If not, you have to be willing to make a break so you can find someone and something that gives you what you need.

Being friends may be great, but people who cycle back and forth like you have probably can't make the transition without a good long time apart and out of contact first.

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    Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.     Double Take Archive:
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