Everywhere I go, every time I turn on the TV, all I see and hear is "swine flu." Pregnant women are dying, children are dying, and I am pregnant and have two children under 2.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says, "Pregnant women are also more likely to have serious illness and death from 2009 H1N1 flu." Because my immune system is compromised, I'm more at risk than the average person.

It's a scary time, but I don't want to be afraid. I also don't want to be stupid and assuming that my children and I will be just fine.

I wash my hands every chance I get and shudder at the idea of a stranger sneezing or coughing my way. I think about keeping the twins home from their weekly playgroup, avoid enclosed spaces such as malls and restaurants, and use all the other protective behaviors we did when they were just born and under 5 pounds apiece.

Should I skip the plane trip to New Orleans for my brother's wedding in a few weeks? It's hard to go about my daily life without thinking all things swine.

The only way to protect my family and myself is to vaccinate, my doctor claims. Vaccinate has become such a dirty word that I hesitate to hand my arm over to a nurse or doctor with a big needle.

I've always been against getting the flu vaccine. I'm sure that has to do with not remembering the last time I had the flu. The flu is brutal, so preventing it should make sense. But then there have been years when the vaccine doesn't cover every strain, and bam, no protection despite the nasty needle prick.

So I've done just fine without the vaccine, but it's not about me anymore. I have a child growing inside me who cannot protect himself from viruses, and I have two toddlers whose immune systems are strengthening with age but who are not impervious by any means.

But is the vaccine even safe? My friend Nikki told me that her pediatrician isn't handing out the swine flu shot because he thinks it's more risky than getting the flu itself. Of the swine flu patients he has seen, only a few have been hospitalized; the others have gotten over the virus without too much trouble.

"Look out, there's mercury in the shot," I hear. My pediatrician explains it's a preservative called thimerosal that is harmless. "It's like giving your kid a tuna sandwich." Others claim that mercury in vaccines can be linked to autism. There are versions of the vaccine without thimerosal, so that solves that.

Then I receive a call from my mother: "Your father just hard it can cause brain damage in young children."

There are articles and reports swirling around about the use of a chemical called squalene in the H1N1 shot. According to the CDC, squalene is an adjuvant, or agent that is sometimes added to a vaccine to make it more effective. Apparently this turbo-charging compound can also cause serious side effects, including a list of horrible syndromes, disorders and problems I don't want my children to suffer. However, the CDC says there are no adjuvants -- including squalene -- in the 2009 H1N1 or season flu shot in the United States.

So am I receiving information or misinformation? Do I believe the reports that the vaccine is worse than the virus? That the children and pregnant women who died had underlying medical conditions? Or is there too much hype to uncover the truth?

I have asked my pediatrician and obstetrician who both say, "Get the vaccine." From what they tell me it's the same thing as the seasonal flu vaccine composition-wise but it protects us from a specific strain. It's made the same way, no matter what rumors there are about the evil drug companies. I cannot say I trust the drug makers any more than the average consumer, but I will always defer to my doctor, who is human but more versed on vaccines than I am.

He made sure we all received the seasonal flu vaccine, which will cover the kids through the flu season and the baby-to-be for the first two weeks of his life. But where is the swine flu vaccine when I need it?

The problem is that only the nasal mist has been made available where I live, and I can't take that, nor can the kids. My pediatrician doesn't know if he'll get a supply. My OB is not getting the vaccine, so I've been told to contact the health department, and its Web site only lists public clinics for the seasonal vaccine or the nasal mist.

No matter when it's available, a friend of mine refuses to have her nearly 1-year-old son vaccinated. Like a lot of mothers, she's confident she can either protect him from the flu or nurse him through it, and that the shot itself is too risky. She also refuses to give her son the occasional anti-inflammatory for painful teething, so medication is not her friend.

That's her decision, just like it is my personal decision to vaccinate my children as my pediatrician recommends and as my husband and I see fit.

I wish I could move forward knowing that the vaccine will not cause any harm. But I'd rather take that risk than subject my children to a deadly virus that won't quit. An RN friend of mine who works in a local pediatric ICU says she doesn't want to see any kid die from the flu.

Some will say the swine flu isn't that bad, while the media continues to cover the mounting sick and death tolls.

Hopefully the swine flu will keep away from my children and the runny-nosed children they run into on a daily basis. But it could strike, and that's a chance I'm not willing to take.

Laura Lewis Brown is the mother of infant twins. Her column appears every other Thursday.