Now that we're a little more than three months into the new year, I'm wondering how your New Year's resolutions are going. Are you super skinny and organized now? I do hope so.
I don't typically make resolutions. I've pretty much accepted that, for the most part, I am what I am. I've been roughly the same weight for two years, give or take 5 pounds. When I creep to the upper limits of that 5-pound window, be it January or July, I have a procedure.
First, I run in a circle screaming. Then I text all my weight-conscious friends with the number in question, along with all the possible reasons for the gain (sugar, which is totally the devil, but such a delicious evil force).
And finally, after answering viewer email asking if I'm pregnant ("Yes, but I'm actually expecting a burrito, not a bambino. I'm registered at Chipotle."), I simply lock down the carbs, eat like humans are designed to eat, and, within a week or so, I blissfully return to my happy place.
So I don't necessarily think of this as a resolution, but this year I decided to enjoy more adult time. I'm a single parent who works unusual hours, so this isn't quite as easy as it sounds.
But after my first child-free, work-free weekend in nearly three years, I decided to book more me time.
This is how I spent 48 hours of Adult Fun:
Friday Noon-Kiss Mini Me Goodbye. Assure her I still love her and will return soon. She plays with babysitter's dog and shoos me out the door.
Friday 2 p.m.-Arrive at Handsome Gay Boyfriend's (HGB) condo. Admire candles and other dangerous objects on coffee table.
Friday 7 p.m.-Request blanket on couch. Instead HGB's partner gives me a cup of coffee.
Friday 11:20 p.m.-Fall asleep at table in restaurant.
Saturday 9 a.m.-Peacefully awaken without help of alarm clock or small blonde person.
Saturday 11 a.m.-Enjoy brunch without kid's menu.
Saturday 1 p.m.-5 p.m. Read trashy magazines on couch. Nap. Repeat.
Saturday 11:30 p.m.-Watch SNL live, as the universe and Justin Timberlake intended. Notice how much clearer picture looks without small handprints and butter on screen.
Sunday 10 a.m.-Enjoy long bath. Soak in the nice sensation of warm water. Do not miss pain caused by stepping on plastic Dora Mermaid doll.
Sunday 1 p.m.-Visit old friend at his new childless condo.
Sunday 1:30 p.m.-Enviously touch said friend's point art. Ask to use bathroom. Peek into shower. Shed a tear over shiny black tile. Note that it looks slippery and dangerous.
Sunday 2:00 p.m. -Say goodbye to Pointy-Art Loving friend. Descend his short stairway. Lack of safety gate simultaneously delights and terrifies me.
Sunday 5:00 p.m. Return home to Mini Me. Look at giant play kitchen in dining room. Silently curse fabulous condos and toddler-slicing art of my friends.
Sunday 5:15 p.m..-Snuggle Mini Me. Watch in horror as Greek yogurt tumbles in what seem like slow motion onto purple couch
Sunday 6:00 p.m.- Mini Me presents me with this. Look! Her tiny princess feet are a butterfly!