“Attorney! I’m considering suing my dog. Do you think a jury would be too sympathetic to a Shih Tzu with a bad underbite?”
It’s true what they say…everyone does have a story. I also had about 20 different majors in college, so I often say, “Oh, speech pathology. Cool. I majored in that right after journalism but before political science.”
Reality TV has also made me a bit of an expert in everything, especially medicine. Nothing makes me weep more than a successful conjoined twin surgery. And you know those women who think they have indigestion, but really they are pregnant? I’m an awesome labor coach from the comfort of my own couch, although I usually advise against delivering your indigestion baby into the toilet.
So you can imagine any time spent with a real-life, not-on-TV surgeon could turn into a feeding frenzy:
“Is your life just like Grey’s Anatomy?” (No)
“Do you ever yell at nurses?” (No)
“Have you ever operated on the wrong body part?” (No)
"Do you stay up all night before surgery, mapping out a plan?" (No)
My incessant questioning led to this…an invitation to watch the action (So maybe by "help," I really meant "observe"). Don’t I look legit?
Here is my front row view. There’s a real person under that draping, undergoing an insane foot surgery. It was a raging success, by the way, and everyone lived happily ever after. Kudos to me for not gasping (loudly, anyway) as actual bones were plucked out. Plucked is a term those of us in the medical field like to throw around.
Here’s what I learned on my OR field trip:
- People who cut open other people and do it well are crazy smart. Like for real, y’all.
- Surgeons should moonlight as eyelash-extension techs. Three words: Mad tweezer skills.
- There may be occasional humming along to Flo Rida, even as bones are being sawed. Sawed may be a strong word, but you get the idea.
- The sound of Velcro ripping as the doctor’s surgical gown comes off is kind of hot. There. I said it. Judge me. I’m actually judging myself a little on that one.
- I’m not 100% sure on this, but I’m fairly confident you can’t eat Junior Mints in the OR. Seinfeld reference.
- If you ever need surgery, seek out a rock star team like the one I watched. Amazing.
One of the nurses seemed a little confused as to why I was spending my day off watching surgery, when I have no interest in becoming a doctor myself. I explained that it is better for all of us if I just keep doing the TV thing. That way, my curiosity is an obvious job requirement, not some sort of neurosis that I have to diagnose through a medical drama.
My Celebrity Hand-Me-Downs
I know this probably makes me seem morbid, but whenever I see someone trending online, I automatically assume they are dead. After I panic (“Oh no, Grumpy Cat died! I wonder if he drank antifreeze!”), I click the link and usually learn that is something much less tragic, like a new haircut or poor fashion choice.
So as a devoted fan of the original 90210, my heart almost stopped when I saw Tori Spelling trending last week. With great trepidation I clicked, and braced myself for the untimely end of Donna Martin. Relief flooded over me as I saw she simply had car trouble last week and ended up stranded roadside with her four small people. That’s certainly a bad day, but I took comfort knowing that I could look forward to many more Tori and Dean reality shows. Come on, you know you watch, too.
You’re probably wondering why I’m so concerned about Tori Spelling. I feel like you and know each other pretty well. After all, you’ve allowed me into your home for the last 12 years. Well almost 12 years…our anniversary is April 30. The traditional gift is linen or silk. Just sayin’.
Anyway, I digress. You know how some people collect strange things, like creepy dolls or spoons or small plastic ponies?
Well…sometimes I like to wear Tori Spelling’s old clothes.
I mean, not all the time. That would be weird. Just occasionally. Like as a swimsuit cover.
Do you remember back in 2006 when Aaron Spelling died and allegedly left Tori “only” a million dollars? Tori sold oodles of stuff on eBay, like old clothes.
Yep, I bought a dress. It was a cute little C & C California strapless, drawstring number. The big challenge was buying something I could actually wear, being that Tori was probably a size smaller than me at that time. What fun is it simply to hoard celebrity hand-me-downs? I wanted to strut the streets of the 32801 in my 90210 duds.
The dress arrived with a jazzy little certificate of authenticity signed by Tori herself. Tori now designs a line of clothing and jewelry. I have bought my daughter a few things from her Little Maven line, but haven’t made any purchases for myself. Somehow I only want her stuff if she’s actually worn it.
You know what they say ... the first step is admitting you have a problem. If you need me, I'll be on Twitter making sure all my favorite celebrities survived the Grammys. And I might just search eBay for for some shoes to go with my Tori dress.