Chewed up and spit out 😛

That’s how most of us are feeling, if I had to take a guess.

Not in a literal sense. More in like a down-and-out, woe-is-me kind of way.

The state’s unemployment system is completely out of whack, we can’t drink our sorrows away at our favorite watering hole and, as the cherry on top of the garbage sundae, people across the globe are dying from an incredibly contagious illness for which there’s no cure.

Geez, when you put it that way.

If it helps at all (it won’t), I have something that will make you feel more disgusted than destitute.

An improvement? Nope, not in the slightest. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

🍳 Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey

I personally haven’t been served breakfast in bed since -- hmm, I don’t know -- ever. So if someone were to knock on my door to let me know they had a lil somethin', somethin’ to fill my belly, I would be more than pleased. This man was not pleased. In fact, he was quite the opposite. Authorities said he went full on WWE Smackdown after his roommate offered him a bite to eat in the morning. The victim, who is 69 years old, suffered some cuts and bruises while the suspect ended up behind bars on an empty stomach. One thing I should point out is that this all happened before 5 a.m. This takes not being a morning person to a whole new level.


😑 That’s no excuse

This guy isn’t wrong but that doesn’t make what he did right. His criminal encounter started innocently enough when he showed up at a hotel in Orlando’s once-bustling tourism district and asked for the nightly rate. After the clerk tells him it’s $90, he walks away for a few moments and returns with a surgical mask on his face demanding cash, deputies said. The woman behind the counter thought it was a joke until he reportedly pulled out a silver blade and told her “I’m not gonna hurt you, times are hard.” Yeah, they are hard and robbing people is just going to make it worse. At least the Orange County Jail doesn’t charge a nightly rate.


🦄 ‘Everyone smiles when they see a unicorn’

Now ain’t that the truth. I would like to personally applaud this woman for proving that you can be weird without doing anything illegal. Brava. Like so many of us, she’s been cooped up at home far too long and has gotten so desperate that she’s turned to outdoor exercise for some respite (that’s me editorializing because I’m lazy). Instead of jogging in yoga pants and an old band tee or whatever, she’s been whipping out a 7-foot tall inflatable unicorn costume and wearing that around her neighborhood for the simple sake of making others happy when they need it most. You bet your butt it’s working.


🏌️‍♂️ Fore heaven’s sake

That’s not the way to enforce the rules. In case you didn’t know, golfing is one of the few exceptions to the statewide stay-at-home order and you better believe that well-to-do old men everywhere are taking advantage of that. But we can’t just have chaos on the course. It’s a pandemic, not an apocalypse. The man pictured above was reportedly sick of golfers thinking they can do whatever they want, specifically driving carts on the putting greens, so he got his big, bad BB gun and aimed it their way to prove his point. Ultimately, the only thing he proved was that he wasn’t equipped to take the law into his own hands. Leave it to the good guys with real guns, k?


🐍 Scale it back

Because this is way too much. Yeah, those are coronavirus face masks made from alligator and python skin. Just what every Floridian has ever wanted -- our two least favorite reptiles stripped of their outermost layers to be used as mouth coverings. Honestly, it kind of looks like something my dad, who I lovingly call the Chuck Norris of Florida, would wear. Or the accessory of choice for a Jason Voorhees-style serial killer from the Everglades. Your choice. These things are real and they’re not cheap either. Not only that, but the maker actually has the audacity to call them fashionable.


🍊 Ma’am, I’m going to need you to stop

That’s how I imagine the conversation went when a manager confronted this woman who’s accused of going full on mama bird in the produce section of a Holly Hill Walmart. Police said she went to the store to pick up an online order but instead of grabbing her groceries and going she decided to sample the goods right there and took a bite into a juicy guava. And then, she spit it out all over some innocent oranges that were minding their own business in their bin. The regurgitator smiled and laughed when questioned about her behavior that is all the more repulsive given the current pandemic. On top of that, her only reasoning as to why she did it was, “just cause.” Let this be a warning to always wash your fresh food.


Guys. This week I took a picture of a bird sitting on top of a duck and my cat Trixie kind of holding my hand. I know, my threshold for what I consider entertaining is at an all-time low these days and I don’t even care. I am more than willing to share one or both of these pictures with my loyal followers, just send me a line at acutway@wkmg.com to see.


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