That would be my reaction if this happened to me.
Luckily, it hasn’t but there’s a part of me that wonders if any of my devoted worshipers -- I mean subscribers -- might have experienced this.
Odds are slim, sure, but as I’ve said before pretty much anything goes in this newsletter and to put it lightly, stranger things have happened.
We’ll get to that at the end though since you guys know I like to tease. 😉
⛺ Sounds magical
I’m not a fan of camping because I don’t believe in mosquitoes and/or sweating but having a whole theme park to myself without sticky children running around might actually be kind of nice. Deputies say the Mouseketeer we have pictured above was caught camping on Walt Disney World property, which as even the most dense among us know, has been closed for weeks so Goofy and Donald Duck don’t get coronavirus. This guy is apparently the one person on this planet who didn’t get the memo for whatever reason and said he planned on staying for about a week in what he called a “tropical paradise.” It’s worth mentioning that this guy wasn’t holed up in Cinderella’s Castle or anything but instead was living his best life on Discovery Island. Yeah, the former zoological attraction that has been closed since 1999. You think it’d be easy to catch the sole trespasser at a massive theme park but apparently not.
🐟 He saw sea saws by the sea shore
Three of them in fact and they were flipping huge. For those of you thinking that there’s nothing odd about seeing fish in the water, I’m going to need you to shut your trap because it actually is pretty rare to see sawfish due to unintentional overfishing. So there. A keen-eyed viewer spotted the approximately 12-foot aquatic animals in the Indian River in Melbourne Beach and was quick to whip out his phone to record the encounter. I’m also happy to report that he didn’t try to capture them or interfere with them in any way and instead reported the sighting to the state wildlife agency, like every good Florida man should. Check out the video for yourself.
☠️ (Don’t fear) the Reaper
Especially when he’s actually a Florida lawyer in a cheap costume. Not everyone is happy about Florida’s beaches opening up once again and so to prove his point, a Walton County resident dressed up as the Grim Reaper and hit the shores to remind his fellow Floridians that there’s still a deadly virus out there claiming lives. A bit dramatic? Maybe a tad, and that’s coming from me, a bonafide drama queen. 👸 Don’t get it twisted though, the grown man playing dress up says he actually loves the beach but he he thinks it’d be safer if they remained closed for the foreseeable future. Needless to say, most beachgoers didn’t appreciate his little publicity stunt.
🏍️ That does sound annoying
Working from home has taught me a lot about my neighbors. For instance, I now know the couple that lives beneath me likes to scream during daylight hours and not just at 3 a.m. like I originally thought. I’m a pretty passive person, so when it comes to retaliation I usually just opt to get on all fours and sing off-key Mariah Carey songs until my throat is raw. You may call that psychological warfare but this guy went and got actual guns, one of which was an AR-15, according to deputies. He says some local teens were “terrorizing the neighborhood” with their dirt bikes and even ran his dog off the road, so he grabbed the biggest gun he could find and shot in their direction to “raise awareness,” records show. Next time you want to raise awareness, start a Change.org petition or something, my dude. That won’t land you behind bars.
👮 Think again
I guess this wasn’t a flat out lie but it was definitely a glaring omission of the truth. Coming from a top law enforcement officer, I would expect better. Broward County Sheriff Gregory Tony, who was appointed by Gov. Ron DeSantis after the fallout from the Parkland massacre, said he didn’t feel the need to disclose the fact that he fatally shot a drug dealer as a teenager when he was originally applying for a job on the force. Basically he thought it wasn’t relevant because the shooting was in self-defense and he was a juvenile. Well, the truth is out now and he can’t escape it. After the exposé was posted online, Tony came clean about what happened and still defends his decision to keep the 1993 shooting a secret until now. If that weren’t enough, he’s also facing a no confidence vote.
🙋♀️ Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by Florida’s unemployment system
I’m guessing there are a lot of hands raised right now, including this woman’s. Like so many others, she’s been left temporarily without work due to the pandemic and turned to the Department of Economic Opportunity for some relief. Again, like so many others, she hasn’t gotten it. She tried to apply for benefits online and all was going well until she was asked to provide her incarceration dates. Problem is, she’s never been to jail. She wasn’t about to tarnish her good name by putting in some arbitrary dates and pretending she was hardened criminal, but the system wouldn’t let her get beyond that point in the application. So she called. And she called again. It’s safe to say DEO employees were as stumped as she was.
So tell me, did anyone else hit this bizarre roadblock while seeking unemployment benefits? Or maybe you’ve had something else equally as odd happen to you during the coronavirus lockdown. Send your stories to me at email@example.com.