Remember that story about when you give a mouse of cookie? Basically, a naive boy gives a furry rodent a lil treat and the doggone mouse manipulates and gaslights his way into getting more than he deserves, pretty much ruining the original kind deed.
I’m summarizing but you get the point.
Recommended Videos
The cautionary tale proves why you can’t be nice to people, at least that’s how I interpret it.
The same holds true for Floridians. You give them a modicum of something nice and they find a way to make it awful. Hopefully the stock photo I chose up there illustrates that. If not, use your imagination because accurate art is really hard to find.
Back to the whole ruining thing though, I honestly can’t say I’m surprised.
🚨 Who needs enemies when you have friends like these?
I’m sure that’s what the victim in this case is asking himself. He was out of town for the day dealing with the death of a family member and returned after all of that to find his home had been burglarized. That already really, really sucks but to add salt to the wound, he soon discovered that one of his friends who apparently was like a brother to him was responsible for the crime. Yeah, that stings. The suspect in this case had absolutely no stealth because he gave himself away by repeatedly nagging the victim about when he’d be home and triple checking that he wasn’t going to be swinging by the residence for some reason. Like they always do, the victim’s BFF denied stealing the electronics and jewelry to get drug money.
🔥 Too hot (tempered) to handle
Landlords and tenants have disputes, that’s no secret. Usually, they’re rent-related and play out on an episode of “Judge Judy.” That’s the standard procedure but things went up in literal flames when a fight broke out between the fledgling pyromaniac pictured above and the woman who was renting a shed from her. Authorities say the suspect was upset that a sentimental towel -- didn’t know there was such a thing but whatever -- had gone missing so she made what turned out to be an extremely credible threat to “burn (the victim) out.” Then, she allegedly did just that. The woman wasn’t injured but her poor puppy was killed, records show. Now that she’s been labeled an arsonist and a canine killer, I think she’ll find a hard time finding another tenant. If she ever gets out of jail, that is.
🥪 Panic! at the Deli Counter
I think we’ve all, at one point or another, spent an excruciatingly long time waiting at the Publix deli counter for a sub or some other sort of snack. It’s just a part of being a Floridian that you have to learn to accept. I’m a native, so it came naturally for me, as did wrestling gators and surviving hurricanes. This guy, however, packed his pistol instead of his patience. Wrong move. He went to the store to shop for Mother’s Day gifts and decided to make a pit stop at the deli. Well, he started complaining about the wait and then for a reason I still don’t understand, he pulled a gun from his pants and pointed it at a patron. Not what I would have expected. Not in my good, Christian Publix. After all that, he left without even getting his Pub sub.
💐 Diamonds are a girl’s best friend
That’s right guys, diamonds. Not flowers. The last time a guy tried to give me flowers I told him to keep them because I hate watching things die. Can you blame me? I guess some ladies like them but to me they’re just kind of depresseing. Unless my mom buys them in which case I love them because she can do no wrong. Diamonds and donuts, on the other hand, are always alright in my book. Maybe this woman agrees with me because deputies say she was pretty upset about the bouquet she received for Mother’s Day. So upset she threw it at the man who bought it for her, according to the report. Of course lashing out isn’t the appropriate response to receiving a bad gift -- otherwise I would be banned from every secret Santa party ever -- but this never would have happened if she’d gotten a nice tennis bracelet or something. Better luck next year, lady.
🏋️ No pain, no gains
Gyms being closed hasn’t affected me much because I’m lazy. At least now people aren’t trying to get me to work out because it’s “good for my health” and it’ll “help me lose all the quarantine weight I’ve put on.” Whatever that means. These people don’t have my same level of chill, though. I’m not sure anyone does. To show how passionate they are about getting back to the gym, they took to the streets with signs and started doing push-ups on the pavement to protest coronavirus closures. As some very intelligent people on the internet pointed out, the meatheads working out outside pretty much proves they don’t need a gym to stay in shape. Or they could just let themselves go like I have. So did their little dumbbell demonstration work? Welp, it might actually have.
🏖️ Proof why we can’t have nice things
Even though I’m more of an indoors kind of gal, I went to the beach recently just for a little fresh air after being cooped up in my condo with only my cat to keep me company for weeks on end. It was vast and empty, just like the gaping hole where my heart used to be. That peace and serenity is no more now that the shores are starting to open once again. Well, I’ve got a twofer for you guys because it seems residents on every coast have lost their dang minds. In Naples, the massive flock of beachgoers completely disregarded social distancing rules developed to save lives, which is kind of important since most people have some sort of will to live. That attitude ultimately led officials to shut down the beaches yet again. It’s really not that hard, guys. I don’t even know why you’d want to be closer than six feet to a sweaty stranger in a Speedo. A little closer to home, in Cocoa Beach, swimmers proved just how trashy they can be when they left thousands of pounds of litter on the sand. So gross. Don’t they know they’re going to end up choking a sea turtle?
Let’s play a little guessing game. Last week I told you guys about my annoying neighbors who communicate solely in screams, regularly disturbing my otherwise peaceful slumber. Now, it’s your turn to guess what time they woke me up this week. Winner gets to choose which Mariah Carey song I yell-sing at them for a little retaliation. 😈