FLAGLER COUNTY, Fla. – A Central Florida man is accused of a “pee-brained” plan to beat a court-ordered drug test, according to the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office.
In a release, deputies said that the man — identified as James Shepard, 52, of Palm Coast — pulled in for his test on July 14, wherein he was expected to hand over a urine sample.
However, the sheriff’s office said Shepard drove there with a suspended license, which was a violation of the felony probation he was already serving for several burglaries and thefts, leading deputies to arrest him.
“Driving on a suspended license was crime number one,” the release reads. “Crime number two was strapped to his groin.”
Per investigators, Shepard had a “jerry-rigged Whizzinator,” a fake bladder of fake urine wired to a heating pad with a faux penis to make it look convincing.
But on the way to the jail, Shepard complained about a shoulder injury, so the deputy involved moved his handcuffs to the front as a courtesy, investigators explained.
“Our junior MacGyver repaid that kindness by using his newly freed hands to pull the cockamamie contraption out of his pants and fling it onto the floorboard of the patrol car,” the release continues. “When the deputy asked him about the wet weiner on the floor, Shepard delivered the yellowest lie we’ve ever heard; it wasn’t his.”
Meanwhile, deputies confirmed that the in-car camera recorded the incident, revealing that the fake penis was indeed his.
Now, Shepard faces charges of driving without a valid license, violating his probation, defrauding a drug test, and tampering with evidence. He is held without bond.
“This pee-brain dirtbag had already been given the deal of a lifetime, walking around on community control when he should have been sitting in a prison cell for almost a decade,” said Sheriff Rick Staly. “Shepard terrorized our home construction businesses and had stolen enough appliances to open an appliance store but was only sentenced to community control when his own sentencing scoresheet had him eligible for a minimum of nine years in prison. Now, he has a stream of new charges after flushing away a second chance to turn his life around. Instead, he tried to trick the system. Now, he needs to go to prison!”