For maybe, like, the third or fourth time in my life I was wrong.
I was expecting some huge fireworks-related mishaps to go down last weekend but instead, things surprisingly went off without a hitch.
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At last check, all fingers, toes, limbs and other appendages appear to be intact, so hoorah for that.
The Central Florida area also fared well during tropical storm, then hurricane, then Tropical Storm Elsa. TBH I felt a little silly working until 3 a.m. for severe weather coverage when it wasn’t even raining outside but hey, I’m not complaining.
I still have nightmares about throwing up in a rainboot while driving after Hurricane Irma and being without power for six days so I’ll take a dud of a storm like Elsa any day over that.
Overall, we’ve actually had a fairly normal week in Florida, which is weird in and of itself.
🚽 Potty problems
It’s going to be hard to tell this story without making any 💩 jokes, no lie, but for you all, I’ll do my best. What’s your first thought when someone says they set a bomb off in the bathroom? I’d probably reach for the Clorox and plug my nose, bracing for the havoc to come. In this case, it was more of an actual bomb but I can’t decide if that’s better or worse. The young man you see looking sketchy is accused of setting off fireworks in a public bathroom during the Fourth of July weekend. In the footage, you see him sneak in, linger in the doorway like my cat does when she can’t decide whether she wants to go in or out, then finally he settles on going inside the park potty. After a few moments, he comes running out faster than I run away from my problems and a few seconds later you can see why when sparks start flying from underneath the door. Why even bother with a stunt like this if you can’t even witness the aftermath? If I’m going to set something off, by golly, I want to see it explode. I’m sure that’ll be a question for the police to ask once they find this guy.
☹️ We lost
Game’s over guys, you can all go home. Beaches and humidity are out, mountains and moderate weather are in. Florida is pretty well known for being a place retirees flock to to spend their golden years and I think as a state we’ve always embraced that. People work hard and save up for decades so they can finish out their life sentence in the sun and sand. Now, it seems like the Sunshine State has some competition. A new list says Florida is no longer the No. 1 place to retire, but don’t fret, we didn’t drop too far from the top. The new rival isn’t even that far away and based on the picture, it looks like a really fun place to visit. I’d actually love to try white water rafting as long as someone can guarantee I won’t lose a tooth or an eye. Aside from that top contender, there are actually some other pretty cool states on this list, too. Check it out.
🤑 Jackpot
This morning I wiped down the counters, scrubbed the toilet, fluffed the pillows, Windexed my mirrors, vacuumed and Swiffered and all I found was a deformed bobby pin, a hair tumbleweed that I couldn’t discern if it was from me or my cat and some loose change. This lucky duck was doing some cleaning and found a winning lottery ticket worth one million smackeroos. You think he’d trade me for the hairball? Somehow I doubt it since this winner-winner chicken dinner says he’s shocked by his good fortune. Good for you, man, spend it wisely. Now if this isn’t motivation for some of you clutterbugs out there to do some spring cleaning, I don’t know what is.
🪶 Feathery fame
I stole that little title right there from my friend and coworker Gaby, who I have the pleasure of sitting next to at the office. Last week, or maybe a few weeks ago -- I don’t know anymore, time is a blur -- we talked about a flock of homing pigeons that got loose on Interstate 95. Those lucky birds have found a new home at Universal Orlando where they’ll soon start training to be in the park’s flight show. Talk about a glow up. These feathered creatures went from nearly being roadkill and now they’re on their way to stardom. I love that for them. But before they can hit the stage, they’ve got some recovering to do.
BTW: If you like Disney, Universal and all things attractions, be sure to sign up for the In the Loop: Theme Park Scoops newsletter by clicking here. It’s delivered every Friday at 10 a.m. so it’ll be a nice little pre-game for you to prepare for this one.
✝️ Cardinal sin
“Catholic school” and “woke” aren’t two things that normally go together yet here we are. When I mentally picture Catholic schools, I think of nuns with rulers and students in plaid uniforms. It’s never the place I’d expect to see LGBTQ ally groups or hear conversations about gender identity. While I totally embrace the curriculum evolving with the times and becoming more inclusive, some parents do not. Two of those parents happen to be pretty substantial donors and now, they’re demanding the school give them their money back because they apparently have no interest in supporting “woke culture.” The issue has become so contentious that they’re taking it to court, just like Jesus would want.
So how’d your Fourth of July go? Anything fun planned for this weekend? Send me your stories and/or pics to acutway@wkmg.com.