Let’s do this thing 💪

So I don’t know if you guys totally know this but Strange Florida is just one of the many things I do during the week.

I write lots and lots of stories, I tell people what to do when they need to be bossed around, I’ve been crowned the ~Queen~ of organizing town halls and on top of that, I do some other random stuff too that would be too tedious to list out.

Strange Florida is the best/most entertaining thing I do all week without a doubt, which is why I’m more than happy to set aside a chunk of my day to dedicate to it.

Today though, your girl is b.u.s.y. I just logged on and already my to-do list is much longer than I’d like.

Of course I’ll still give this my all (my three loyal fans deserve the best) but I’m just letting you know now that I’m going to fully evolve into beast mode so I can bust this thing out as quickly as possible.

Honestly, you probably won’t even notice the difference but I just needed something to write for the intro.


😷 ‘I can already hear the whining'

As someone who whines as if my life depended on it, I am personally offended by that headline I just wrote. But that’s what one local sheriff told his deputies after he notified them that masks would NOT be permitted on the job. You read that right. And no, it wasn’t an Opposite Day prank. He wants his deputies, who are in contact with countless people each day, to keep their facial orifices exposed while they’re interacting with members of the public. What COVID, am I right? According to the sheriff, he believes there’s just as much evidence to not wear masks as there is to wear masks so he opted for further in the name of “clear communication.” If you don’t believe me, read on for his full reasoning.

🐍 Sssooo ssscary

Did you like my sssnake impression? A South Florida woman was doing her laundry recently when she noticed something scaly inside and thought that it was just a snakeskin-style shirt or another piece of textured clothing so she reached in her washer and to her shock -- it was the real deal. A snake that was probably slithering through her nice clean clothes was huddled up inside her washer, ready to give her the fright of her life. She screamed and ran away, like I think most of us would do, and got some maintenance workers to come snatch it out. I don’t know if reptile-related trauma is a thing but she says she’s still hearing hissing days later. If you ask me, it’s time for her to move.

🔒 Curiosity killed the cat

But satisfaction brought it back. At least that’s what my grandma says, so it must be true. Don’t worry though, no pets or people were harmed in the writing of this story. An Orlando teen was at a gun range earlier this week when she got a bit “curious” and walked inside a gun safe in the display room and then -- oopsie daisy -- she couldn’t get out. Call it bad luck but for whatever reason, the normal, manufacturer-endorsed methods of opening the safe didn’t work so they had to call in the big guns (pun intended) and get the fire department on scene. With some creativity, they were able to get the girl out safe and sound.

🚔 Pain in the grass

This guy is a perpetual DUI offender (I’m allowed to say that, he’s been convicted so I can’t get sued for libel), so much so that he doesn’t have a valid driver’s license. According to deputies, that wasn’t enough to keep him off the road. Since he can’t legally get behind the wheel of a car he thought instead that he could just hop on a riding lawn mower and cruise on down the highway. Oh wait, so silly of me: I forgot to mention that he was, once again, drunk, records show. When stopped, body camera footage shows he admitted that he “maybe a little too much to drink tonight” but he should be allowed to be on his merry way since he was just driving to his home from his home. I know that doesn’t make sense but liquor logic rarely does. The encounter ended with the suspect telling the deputy to “just take (him) to jail” since he was unwilling and unable to do any field sobriety tests. As you probably guessed, the deputy did just that.

😡 The handcuffs didn’t even fit

Of all the things parents have to worry about this semester -- coronavirus safety precautions, virtual learning, etc. -- now we know the threat of having their small child handcuffed at school and taken into custody is also very, very real. The 8-year-old boy with special needs was at school in Key West when he had some sort of tantrum and punched a teacher in the chest. While the incident happened in December 2018, the video was just made public this week and it’s been blowing up online now that a famed civil rights attorney is representing the boy’s family. And before you even think that our taxpayer dollars never go toward arresting little kids, let me just remind you that this has happened locally to a 6-year-old girl. The Orlando Police Department apologized in that case but as for police in Key West, they’re sticking by their actions.

🚽 Flush flood

Remember that inmate I told you guys about awhile ago who refused to extend a courtesy flush after doing some particularly funky business? This guy today might be the exact opposite. I don’t really think he did his “business” at all, he was just apparently pretty upset about being locked up so he flushed and flushed and flushed and flushed until the whole cell flooded, according to police. While he didn’t do his business, police say he was pretty nasty toward them.

Whew. 😅 I think that was record time AND I just whipped up that last story so it could be included in today’s edition. Now, I’m off to finish all the not-so-fun things I have to do for the rest of the day. Bor-ing. Am I the only one running around like a chicken with its head cut off? I want to hear what’s on your to-do list. Send it my way by emailing acutway@wkmg.com.

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